


Gasoline

by Stella_Delilah



Series: Spirk Songfics [1]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Anal Sex, Budding Love, Ghosts, Jim has PTSD, Jim sees the ghosts, M/M, Multiple Orgasms, Oral Sex, Paranormal, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Past Sexual Assault, Post-Star Trek: Into Darkness, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Hatred, Spock takes care of Jim, Top Spock
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-16
Updated: 2016-10-16
Packaged: 2018-08-22 21:13:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8301304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stella_Delilah/pseuds/Stella_Delilah
Summary: 'The next time that Jim woke, he could smell eggs.He sat up, alarmed, and bounded to the kitchen.“Spock!” The man in question turned as though surprised, and stared at him.“Good morning, Jim.” Spock replied, and turned back to the eggs as though it weren’t the strangest thing in the world.'
After the 5 year mission, Jim goes to Riverside to wait for the 8 months until the Enterprise is ready to go into space again. Spock comes to see him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I've been sitting on this for a while and AO3 wouldn't let me post it yesterday. So here it is today. The next chapter won't be as long.

_“Are you insane like me?_

_Been in pain like me?”_

 

It’s not bad today.

The depression, that is.

It was only a month since the end of the five-year mission, and the crew of the U.S. Enterprise had been given a six-month long shore leave, both to visit with families and repair the ship, but also to decide where they would go next. Jim, at this point, couldn’t care less.  He needed to be out of Iowa, out of Riverside, and back into the stars.

While he was in space, he could imagine that everything was okay back home, and that he was okay, because there was always something to do. He could keep his mind off of everything by diving face first into paperwork, but in Riverside- It was a whole other kind of sadness.

When Jim arrived back at the family farm, the first thing he did was burn his stepfather’s old comforter. Winona had already found a new man, so she obviously didn’t want it. And if she’d decided not to take it with her, she didn’t care that much about it. Or at least that’s how Jim saw it. Frank had died years ago, but the resentment was still very much alive.

“No, everything is good.” Jim confirmed to Bones over the holovid. The doctor appeared dubious on the other side, scowling at him.

“I don’t think you should be in that house alone, Jim.” He replied. “It’s not healthy, and you know how I am about health.” He looked at Jim pointedly, and the man in question couldn’t do anything but sigh and look away. The thing was, Bones was right. It wasn’t healthy for Jim to be in that house by himself, even if he counted his ghosts as companions. He was living in his mother’s old home, where his mother had lived with her two sons and her husband, not their father. And soon Winona had left for the stars, leaving behind the alcoholic husband, who would whale on them and tell them horrid things. Sam could run, but Jimmy was young. Those years weren’t his fault, he knew. He’d done nothing to deserve that. It was all Frank, he told himself, but still the ghosts swarmed at night.

And then there was Tarsus IV. When he’d been told that this would be a new world. When he wasn’t ever going to see Frank again, and how he’d been so, so happy. And then the crops began to fail, and the rationing started. As did the murders. The smell of burning flesh still haunted him years later, when he would wake up downstairs on the couch to see a crying boy thrown onto the fireplace before him. The ghosts were real.

It wasn’t unusual for Jim to see the ghosts, and sometimes he had to blink several times for them to go away. One night he awoke from a nightmare about Khan just to look to his bedside and see a child with hollow eyes and cheeks staring at him, their belly protruding. It held out its hand.

“I don’t have any food,” Jim had said, ashamed. The child stared, lifelessly, and then turned and left the room.

Occurrences like that happened often, nearly too many times to count. He tried meditation, like Spock. The Vulcan had claimed that it helped with the nightmares, and with calming the ghosts. When that didn’t work, Jim turned to hypos, and then to alcohol. He’d never been a smoker, but there was something soothing about feeling the nicotine fill his lungs and then watching it escape again in a cloud around him. He could control it, the way he began to control his weight by watching his portions. As July went on, Jim found that he could control his entire life if he tried.

When he needed to go into town, he could carefully mold his reactions and his facial expressions to match those around him, to do what was expected of him. He could have pointless conversations in the grocery store (“Amy is pregnant again? No! Who’s the father now? I knew he was a no gooder….”), he could fake smiles through vidcalls with his crewmates (“Yes, Uhura, I’ve been eating. I’ve just been working out more!”). Only Bones noticed, which is why he insisted on coming to visit. Jim stopped that by making an impromptu trip to Chicago. Bones was furious.

It was only Bones who seemed to wonder about his behavior until one day that Spock called him. Jim almost fell out of his seat at the sight of his name on the i.d., but didn’t waste any time answering.

“Hello?” He said quickly, and mentally slapped himself for sounding so excited to talk to the guy.

“Greetings, Captain. I trust that you have been well?” Spock appeared stone-faced and controlled on the screen. Jim swallowed, and ran a hand through his messy hair.

“Yeah, I’ve been good.” He forced out, attempting a smile. Spock raised an eyebrow and seemed to lean in toward the screen some more. “I’m really good, how are you?” Jim asked.

“Permission to speak freely, Captain?” Spock asked softly.

“Permission granted. And call me Jim.”

Spock watched him for another second, and then cleared his throat. “You appear to have lost weight. Is that correct?” Jim blinked once, and then again twice. This time, he cleared his throat.

“Yeah, I’ve been working out and eating healthier. I guess it must be showing, huh?” he tried a small laugh, and Spock blinked slowly at him, and then nodded.

“I’m sure that you are correct, Jim. I have been meaning to speak with you.” The Vulcan continued, and Jim ignored the flip-flop of his heart at that. “I wish to come and visit with you in Riverside, if you would permit me.” For a moment, Jim’s mind went white. Spock wanted to come visit? Visit him? What? He looked around the living room, and surveyed the hapless mess.

“Um, I’m not sure that it’s a good idea right now,” Jim responded, his eyes darting from his still half unpacked suitcase to the clothes strewn about to the empty bottles of beer and wine littered around the living room. “I’m just not- I haven’t cleaned.” He said, turning back and tilting the camera so that Spock couldn’t see his surroundings.

Spock inclined his head over the vid, as though he could see into Jim’s room. “I suspected. It is of no consequence.” Jim looked down and felt his cheeks flush. Spock was too kind. He’d always been too kind.

“If you will permit me, I shall be at your house tomorrow morning.” Jim’s head shot up toward the vid, where Spock’s face was as serious and still as ever.

“What? Are you on a shuttle, Spock?” Jim asked, hearing the anxious tone in his voice. Spock hesitated, then nodded. Jim ran a hand through his hair and whipped his head toward the mess in the living room, the dishes in the sink, the unmowed  and unkempt lawn outside. He was a mess. This was a mess. And Spock was going to see him and everything was a mess and this was not okay fuck fuck FUCK

“Jim, if you are not comfortable with me coming to visit-“

“No, it’s just-“ Jim inhaled deeply and tilted his head back, thinking about how late he’d have to stay up to get this whole place clean. “I’m fine. It’s fine. Come visit, I’d love to have you.”

“I’d hate to inconvenience-“

“No, it’s fine Spock.” Jim said with finality. He’s probably finish by 4 a.m., and then he could take a nap for a couple of hours. Great. “I look forward to it.” Spock nodded sagely at him again, and then ended the call.

On his end, Jim sighed and forced himself to pick up the suitcase from the living room and begin shoveling his dirty clothes into it. He could separate them later, but now he had an entire house to clean.

The whole process took him until six in the morning, which wasn’t okay because Spock was supposed to get in by eight at the earliest and Jim really didn’t want to be sleeping when he arrived. He set an alarm for 7:30 and settled in for a quick nap on his couch, feeling the first rays of the sun warm his face. The next time that Jim woke, he could smell eggs.

He sat up, alarmed, and bounded to the kitchen.

“Spock!” The man in question turned as though surprised, and stared at him.

“Good morning, Jim.” Spock replied, and turned back to the eggs as though it weren’t the strangest thing in the world. It was funny though, Jim thought for a moment, Spock almost looked like he’d always been there.

“Spock, what are you doing?” Spock turned again, his mouth set as though he were ready to make some snide remark, so Jim fixed his wording. “Why are you cooking eggs in my kitchen at-“ Jim glanced toward the clock, “-11 in the morning. Why didn’t you wake me? And wait, how did you get in?” Spock didn’t answer, and didn’t turn to acknowledge him, so Jim went to his side and watched him cook. Spock turned toward him and smiled slightly. It didn’t send shivers down Jim’s back and butterflies into his stomach, not one bit.

“Jim, will you please procure a plate?” Jim moved quickly to do what Spock asked, and their fingers brushed as he handed Spock the plate. Spock blushed green and quickly moved the eggs from the pan to the plate, without looking at Jim.

When they sat down, Jim noticed that Spock didn’t have any food for himself. “Spock, you made me a skillet and orange juice and nothing for yourself?” He made a move to stand. “Let me grab something for you.”

Spock shook his head and laid a hand on Jim’s shoulder as he shifted. “I simply require this juice. Thank you, Jim.” He didn’t remove the hand until Jim was back in his seat and openly staring at him.

“Um. Thanks for this. I mean, you didn’t have to. You really didn’t have to, but thank you. A lot.” Spock inclined his head and Jim noticed his fingers twitching on the table.

After breakfast Jim helped Spock take his suitcase up to the guest bedroom and let him settle in a bit.

“I need to meditate”, Spock told him, and Jim agreed.

“It was probably a long trip,” He smiled, and Spock stared at him before nodding slowly.

Jim called Bones afterward.

“So he really did go.” Was all that his friend responded.

“What do you mean? Wait, was he planning this?” Jim asked. He could hear Bones thinking through the phone.

“Well, he did ask me for your address and if you wouldn’t mind him visiting. I would say he’s been planning this for a while, Jimmy.” Jim sighed and ran a hand over his face. Why was Spock visiting him now? He was at his worst, he was in the house he hated, and now Spock, of all people, was here. Spock, who he secretly loved. The man that he could picture spending the rest of his life with, which was really a bit much seeing as they barely knew anything about each other.

“I can’t believe you guys went behind my back.” Jim said softly, and Bones scoffed.

“Right, like you haven’t gone behind ours so many times.” He deadpanned, and Jim couldn’t help but laugh.

Jim heard the creak of the stairs and looked up to see Spock coming down the stairs, his tan robes sweeping over the floor. “I apologize, I did not mean to interrupt.” Spock said, looking strangely awkward on the middle step.

Jim watched him for a moment (how does one still look so elegant while flustered??) and promptly hung up on Bones. “You didn’t!” He bounced up from his seat and hurried over to Spock. “Can I show you around Riverside? There isn’t much to see, but it’s always fun to experience it through new eyes.” Spock nodded again, and then the corner of his mouth quirked up slightly. Jim felt unsure suddenly. “Um, what? Did I- Did I say something?”

“No,” Spock replied evenly, brushing his robes into place again, “I simply forgot how brilliant your smile is.” He pressed past Jim calmly, a perfect opposite representation of how Jim was feeling on the inside.

_“Are you high enough without the Mary Jane like me? Do you tear yourself apart to entertain like me…”_

 

“And this is where I went to school.” Jim finished, slowing the hovercar in front of the old building. “They built a new one, since they figured they should probably get a better facility after one of their students became a Starfleet captain and basically denounced it.” Spock nodded sagely, and glanced over to the playground. He stared at it for a moment.

Without turning to look back at Jim, he asked, “Did you play on that equipment as a child?” Jim looked over as well.

“Yeah, I did. I mean, I tried. I mostly got beat up and stuff.” Jim tried to laugh it off, since he meant the statement as a joke, but Spock turned sharply to look at him.

“May I go and look more closely?” He asked, and Jim shrugged, putting the car into park. Spock swept out of the car and stalked over to the area. Jim followed, locking the car and hurrying to catch up with Spock’s long, sweeping strides. Spock slowed his walk and Jim caught him easier.

“Um, it’s not much. Just basically a slide and some swings. And some jungle gym equipment, but not much- much else.” It was just that, a slide and an unconnected swingset, and then a jungle gym and a seesaw. Spock, however, was looking at each piece of equipment with genuine fascination, as though he’d never seen-

Oh. Jim mentally facepalmed himself. Of course Spock was interested in this stuff from his childhood, Vulcans would have thought that playgrounds and the equipment were illogical. Jim watched Spock touch the slide, and then climb into the jungle gym and run his hands over the bars from the inside. He looked up and then clasped his hands behind his back appraisingly. Spock looked over to him then, suddenly, and their eyes locked. Jim shifted on his feet and resisted looking away from those dark eyes that were burrowing into his own. Spock raised a hand and beckoned Jim forward then, and Jim couldn’t resist him.

Jim climbed through the bars, shyly moving over to Spock. Although the space was big enough for more people than just them, Spock motioned for Jim to come and stand beside him. They stood like that, nearly shoulder to shoulder, for a moment. Then Spock hesitantly raised two fingers to Jim. Jim balked at him before copying the gesture. Spock paused momentarily, and then gently turned himself so that he was facing Jim. He then pressed their fingers together, curling them the slightest bit. Jim felt a shiver course through him and shuddered against Spock. The other man let out a soft sigh and Jim looked up toward him. Spock was staring at him with an indiscernible expression on his face and Jim felt his cheeks heat up.

“What?” He asked while pulling his fingers away. Spock stared down at his now empty fingers and blinked rapidly. Jim leaned forward to meet his eyes again, but Spock stepped back, visibly uncomfortable. “What?” Jim repeated, a bit stronger this time. Spock seemed to let out a sigh and then clasped his hands behind his back. He stood a bit stiffer and Jim felt his own eyebrow raise in question.

“I apologize, Jim. Let us return to your car.” With that, Spock turned and stepped through the bars and out of the play area. Jim blinked slowly before following him.

“Spock, what’s wrong?” He asked as he hurried to catch Spock’s long, sweeping strides. Spock seemed upset about something. Jim wasn’t quite sure what, but he knew that an upset Vulcan wasn’t the best thing to have on your hands.  Spock didn’t answer but simply shook his head and moved to sit shotgun again.

_“Do the people whisper ‘bout you on the train like me? Saying ‘God you shouldn’t waste your pretty face’ like me...”_

The drive back to the house was tense. Jim considered asking Spock why he seemed upset but Spock was simply curling and uncurling the fingers on his right hand. That was the only movement that the Vulcan showed. Spock was otherwise stoic and Jim wasn’t about to start conversation with him.

It was late afternoon by the time that they returned to the house. Spock immediately left the car and stated that he would go upstairs to meditate. He didn’t wait for a response before walking quickly inside. Jim was left standing by his car, staring after the other man.

“What the actual f _uck_?” He wondered aloud. It was almost dinner time, so Jim decided to make supper for he and Spock. Vegetable lasagna was always a good choice and he went to work to keep his mind off of Spock’s strange behavior.

It was almost 6 in the evening when Spock came into the kitchen and stood close to the table.

“Would you like me to set the table?” He asked softly, and Jim’s heart almost melted.

“That would be great, thank you.” Jim replied, giving him a small smile from where he stood seasoning the bread. “I’m gonna pop this in the oven for about 8 minutes and we should be good.”

Spock cocked his head to the side and Jim tried his hardest not to compare him to a puppy. “Why would you not simply replicate some garlic bread, James?” He asked, not unkindly. Jim shrugged.

“I like the taste of real food. Plus, I may as well cook while I’m here.” He said. Spock nodded and moved to the cupboards to get their plates and their cups. They worked in silence, moving past each other with the occasional, “Excuse me,” and “Pardon my reach, please”. It felt natural and normal until their fingers brushed again. Spock jumped and dropped one of the ceramic plates onto the ground.

“Spock!” Jim cried, out of habit, and Spock’s face turned stony.

“I apologize, Jim.” He said tightly. Spock then reached down to pick up the pieces of the plate and cut his own finger. Green liquid squeezed out almost immediately and Spock’s lips tightened into a wince.

“Here, let me help you.” Jim grabbed Spock’s hand and pulled him toward the sink. They moved around the remains of the plate and Jim began to rinse the finger and quickly grabbed his dermal regenerator from the drawer beside the sink. As he turned back to Spock, still holding onto his hand, he caught the other man’s gaze.

“What?” He asked dumbly, and Spock’s mouth dropped open. He turned Spock’s hand over and held the regenerator over the finger. Spock watched him quietly. Once Jim had finished, he spoke.

“Jim, do you often hold others’ hands?” He asked. Jim balked.

“I mean, not all the time. Why, do you?” Jim replied. Spock slowly shook his head, his gaze softening on the other man. Jim looked down at their still joined hands and then back up at Spock. His gaze was becoming more and more amused, so Jim dropped his finger and felt his face flushing.

“I think- I think the bread is probably done. We can eat.” He mumbled out. He didn’t move until he heard Spock take his seat behind him.

Dinner was delicious, which Spock mentioned only a few times. Jim felt himself blush each time and humbly thanked him. After dinner, Spock suggested that they take tea on the couch. Jim accepted and cleared the plates while Spock made their tea. They met at the couch and Spock sat a bit closer than Jim expected. Jim took a small sip of his tea and sighed audibly. Spock looked toward him, one eyebrow up toward his hairline.

“Is it satisfactory?” Spock asked hesitantly. Jim nodded fervently and took a larger sip to prove it. The sip was too big and Jim found himself burning his tongue from the heat.

“Oh my god,” He wheezed and before he knew it, Spock had set down his own cup, grabbed Jim’s and set it down as well, and was holding one hand and holding his face with his other.

“Jim, are you alright?” He asked. Jim wheezed rather than speaking and nodded hard.

“I’m-“ He began to cough again and Spock came closer to him, patting him softly on the back.

“Do not speak, Jim.” He said, sounding more worried than he showed. “Breathe, ashayam. Breathe.” Spock began to rub in small circles on his back and Jim leaned into his touch. Spock was saying soft, soothing words above him and Jim felt his eyes fall closed.

 

_“Are you deranged like me? Are you strange like me? Lighting matches just to swallow up the pain like me…”_

 

When he opened them, Spock was looking down at him a longing so intense that Jim could feel it in his bones. Jim sat up a bit more, and Spock leaned back, appearing sheepish.

“Are you alright,” He asked. They hadn’t let go of each other’s hands and Jim didn’t want to either. “Jim.” Spock finished.

Jim nodded and moved closer. Spock wavered for a moment but didn’t move away. “I’m okay, Spock.” Jim said softly, leaning in until they were only a few inches apart. Spock’s lips were quivering just the slightest bit and Jim could feel his hands trembling under his own.

“Spock,” Jim said and Spock shuddered against him. It was then that Spock reached up with one hand and pulled Jim forward by the back of his head. Jim obliged him and they met in the middle in a soft brushing of lips.

“ _Jim._ ” Spock said, sounding as though he’d meant this in a completely different way than before. He brought their lips together again with more pressure, a bruising kind of kiss this time and Jim moaned around their mouths. Spock made a noise at the back of his throat and moved his hands to pull Jim up by his butt. Jim got the message, moving to straddle Spock’s lap.

Spock continued to kiss him softly, while running his hands up and down Jim’s back. Of course, this was the moment that Jim decided to begin giggling madly. Spock kept pressing kisses to his cheeks and neck but then stopped leaned against Jim’s shoulder.

“Yes, Jim?” Spock asked, sounding a bit exasperated. Jim giggled even more and gripped at Spock’s shoulders for balance. Spock held him steady by his hips and his back, waiting patiently.

“I’m sorry, it’s just that we’re making out and I didn’t even think that you liked me.” Jim said, feeling giddy with excitement. He was sitting on Spock’s _lap_. Beyond that, they were currently making out like kids.

Spock held Jim’s back with one hand and took Jim’s fingers into the other, kissing them softly.

“When have I show you anything less than adoration during this mission, Jim?” He asked, nearly whispering the words. A shiver coursed through Jim.

“I just, I don’t know. I assumed.” Jim murmured, feeling warm all of a sudden. Spock was watching him with those dark, warm eyes and Jim was drowning. Keeping his eyes trained on Jim, Spock began to kiss the undersides of Jim’s fingers, pressing his lips carefully to each one. Jim shuddered and squirmed on Spock’s lap. He was going to get hard if this continued….

Spock took one of Jim’s fingers and slid it between his lips, sucking lightly on it. Jim moaned that time, leaning forward onto Spock’s chest. His legs fell open even more on their own accord, forcing their crotches even closer together. Spock’s breath hitched and he sucked harder on Jim’s index finger. Jim groaned and began to grind their hips together, feeling Spock’s erection press against his own.

Slipping another finger into his mouth, Spock met Jim’s eyes and sucked even harder. Jim gasped. The beautiful image of Spock’s lips around his fingers and the feeling of their clothed members pressing against each other was almost too much already.

“Spock,” Jim panted, “I want to taste you.” Spock’s eyes widened comically and Jim giggled a bit, pulling his fingers out of Spock’s mouth. The Vulcan watched Jim carefully as he climbed off of his lap and sat beside him. Jim flipped his bangs out of his face for a moment before sitting sideways next to Spock.

He began by palming Spock through his robes. Spock immediately threw his head back in pleasure.

“Jim,” He sighed with a breathy moan, and Jim slipped his hands between Spock’s robes to grasp at his cock. It took a bit of finagling to pull the shaft out from Spock’s ruffles of fabric, but he managed it quickly.

“Wow,” Jim whistled, making Spock turn green on the tips of his ears. “You’re really… You’re really big.” Spock’s mouth fell open silently and Jim dipped forward over his lap to lick at the tip experimentally, letting the cock bob around in his mouth for a moment. Spock shuddered and drew his legs together subconsciously. Jim scowled at him and he corrected himself, opening them again even wider.

“I apologize, Jim.” He said quickly, making Jim smile and lean forward to fit his entire mouth over the head. Spock jerked reflexively and Jim’s hands came up to hold down his legs. His big blue eyes flicked up to meet Spock’s. Spock dipped his head in apology and Jim’s eyes fluttered closed. He tongued the tip and let the head lay flat against his tongue, starting to suckle on it slowly.

“Oh, ashayam, you are- You are so perfect, Jim.” Spock groaned out. Jim smiled to himself and sucked in more of Spock’s cock. It was long and pale green, curving just slightly to the right. Jim’s own dick jumped at the thought that he was sucking it.

Spock kept twitching and groaning out Vulcan words as Jim sucked him deeper and deeper. He almost yelped when he felt a hand on his back, but Spock just continued to rub his back and murmur lovely words to him. Jim kept his teeth back and tongue against the head as he sucked even harder on Spock. Spock was absolutely stunning to his own accord. Whenever Jim glanced up, he saw the man either with his head back, his mouth wide open in ecstasy, or looking down at Jim with a look so loving that Jim thought he honestly might cry.

“Jim, I- I think that I will- “, Spock stuttered before releasing himself all over Jim’s mouth.

Jim caught most of it in his mouth and stared at Spock for a second before rushing to the trashcan to spit it all out. Spock rose as if to follow him, but Jim waved his hand and wiped at his mouth.

“M’ okay,” He mumbled, feeling himself turn red under Spock’s penetrating gaze.

Spock raised a hand to Jim’s cheek, steadying him. “Ashayam…” He murmured, rubbing his thumb over Jim’s face. “You are so, so beautiful.”

Jim felt himself flush even more, and looking away from Spock’s eyes. Of course, Spock just grabbed his face again and forced him to meet his gaze again.

“I adore you,” Spock whispered against his lips before kissing him again. Jim felt his heart flutter at the words and groaned a bit into the kiss. Their tongues meshed for a few moments until Jim pulled away, panting a bit.

“We should- we should go to bed, Spock.” Spock nodded slowly and seemed uncomfortable.

“Would you wish to… would you like to sleep with me, tonight?” Spock curled his fingers in his robe and Jim watched the nervous tick with a strange flutter in his stomach. Spock was nervous. Spock was nervous because of _him._ Jim smiled to himself and then laid his head onto Spock’s knees.

“Yeah, babe.” He replied shortly, drumming his fingers on the other man’s robed knee. Spock’s eyes softened as he offered his hand to Jim. They stood and brushed each other off, with Jim giggling like a fool the whole time, and then headed upstairs to Spock’s room.

Spock watched Jim hungrily as he stripped off his shirt and pants, then his socks. Jim watched Spock elegantly slip into what seemed to be sleeping pajamas and then just as elegantly turn down the bedcovers for Jim.

“Thank you, love.” Jim murmured, leaning into Spock’s chest to brush their lips together. Spock’s hand trembled on the small of his back and he pressed his lips against Jim’s temple while simultaneously pushing him down onto the mattress.

“You are fatigued, Jim.” Spock said. Jim, almost in return, yawned and then nodded sleepily at him. Spock walked over to the other side of the bed and slipped in, quietly taking Jim into his arms and folding him against himself. Jim sighed into the touch, and scooted just the tiniest bit closer so that he could be flush against Spock’s body.

“I am so happy, James.” Jim heard Spock murmur against his ear as those long fingers came up to stroke against his temple. Jim then fell into a deep slumber.

_“You can’t wake up, this is not a dream. You’re part of a machine, you are not a human being…”_

Jim saw ghosts often. It wasn’t that strange, to him. However, he didn’t consider the unusualness of Spock waking up to find him staring at the floor with his face twisted up as though he’d just been stabbed.

“Jim!” Spock said, and shook him. Jim immediately shook himself out of his trance and looked to Spock. He looked back over to the ground again, if only to remove his eyes from Spock’s troubled face, and saw that the figure had left.

“I’m fine, sorry.” Jim said in a monotone voice, hearing how fake he sounded. Spock’s arms drew him in and Jim let his eyes close.

“What ails you, Jim?” He asked softly, running his hands gently up and down Jim’s back. He felt his eyes burn with tears as Spock kept softly murmuring words of safety and encouragement to him.

“I’m okay. Sometimes I remember things, but I’m okay. I promise.” He wasn’t okay. He’d just seen the mother of a fallen ensign in front of him, screaming. He could hear her so loudly and clearly that he wasn’t sure how Spock had missed it.

“You trusted a MANIAC, James Kirk!” She cried, sobbing with her daughter’s picture pulled to her stomach. The frame broke and she began to bleed in front of him. “They should have let you die! Not her! You should have died!” Her eyes burned into Jim, but what she said burned even more. “You’re a _murderer_.”

He’d watched her bleed onto his floor, in Spock’s guest room, sobbing in front him. He hadn’t even been able to say anything, to move at all, until Spock shook him. Woke him, almost.

“I’m fine,” Jim repeated, and it sounded hollow and fake even to his own ears.

 

The next day, Spock stepped gingerly around him. He made them breakfast, sat with Jim out on the patio. Jim had read, and Spock pretended to. He could feel the Vulcan’s eyes on him, even though whenever he glanced over, Spock seemed deep into his novel. It was unsettling. After reading, Spock made Jim a light salad for lunch and they took a ride through the country and saw the colorful fields that surrounded Riverside. They held hands and Jim felt relaxed, for a while. It wasn’t until he looked over at Spock, who seemed happy, and remembered everything.

Spock still held worry behind his eyes, and Jim didn’t deserve that. Jim didn’t deserve anything good.

“You know, I’m kinda tired.” Jim lied, turning the car back toward the farm house. Spock’s eyebrow rose at that and his brow furrowed for a moment before he nodded in agreement.

As they headed back, Spock lay one hand on Jim’s knee, and then removed it. Jim shifted himself, and replaced the hand. Spock didn’t move again until they got home.

“I’m really beat,” Jim said. He was actually starting to believe himself now, and it was tiring to wake up every night to seeing people. Spock nodded, ever regal if only in civilian clothes. His black shirt and dark trousers enhanced his Vulcan stance, and he clasped his hands behind him.

“Jim,” Spock said suddenly. Jim turned, expecting a lecture or questions. Spock looked at him for a long moment, so long that Jim felt the urge to scream at him, to force him out and make him stop caring. He didn’t deserve that, especially from someone so perfect and kind as Spock.

“I wish you well, Jim.” Spock said finally, seeming like he was at a loss for words. Spock stepped forward then, reaching out for Jim’s hand. He raised it to his lips and kissed it gingerly. Jim felt as though Spock treated him like paper, or like fine china. He wasn’t used to it, used to the pure goodness that was his first officer.

Jim pulled Spock in with the same hand and hugged him close. Spock released him, hugging back even when Jim pulled away to kiss him on the cheek. They were still for a moment before their lips met softly.

Swallowing thickly, Jim stepped back and held Spock’s elbow in his hand. “I’m going to go take a nap. But today was fun, I’m glad we did this.” Spock said nothing, simply nodding solemnly.

Jim nodded in response, feeling like they were two bobble head figures and like a complete idiot. He turned quickly and went to his own room.

It was dark when Jim woke up again. The house was quiet, and he felt the strange urge to stretch and lay back into bed. He needed to get up, but the bed called him.

Spock was in the living room when he finally made it downstairs.

“Hey,” Jim said softly. Spock nodded at him and set down his book. He rose to meet Jim, putting his hands on each of the man’s hips.

“Ashayam, please speak to me.” He said softly. He sounded so broken and sad that Jim felt bad for worrying him.

“I’m okay, I’m sure of it.” Jim reassured him. Spock tilted Jim’s chin up with two fingers.

“Why do you lie to me, Jim?” Spock asked, his voice a different kind of quiet. He seemed defeated. Jim felt his heart constrict and he shook his head, forcing a smile onto his face.

“I’m just having a bad day, babe. I just need to sleep more.” Spock gripped his hand and guided him to the kitchen then.

“I have prepared a meal for you, if you’d wish to eat it.” He murmured, still staring at Jim as though he didn’t believe the other man. Jim nodded and sat down at the table. Spock moved quickly, getting out supper and warming it, all while assuring that Jim was okay.

“You’re so good to me,” Jim said as Spock set a plate in front of him. “I love you so much.”

He froze, realizing what he’d said. Spock didn’t falter, simply pushing Jim’s water toward him and replying, “I love you as well.”

Spock was so unassuming and nonchalant, while Jim’s insides were turning. Spock repeated it. Spock loved him. Spock loved him? Everything was wrong, and he shouldn’t be alive, he shouldn’t be here, with Spock when he’d trusted a madman and so many others could be here instead-

A warm hand covered his. “Ashaya, are you al-“

Jim shoved Spock away forcefully and stood up, pushing his own chair away from the table. Spock jumped back as though he’d been stung and his eyes flashed up at Jim’s, hurt evident in his gaze.

“This is wrong, this is all wrong. Spock, I’m-“, Jim was panting, his hands over his head and looked around desperately. The scene was changing around him. He was locked in that room again, and Spock was in his uniform, unable to reach him. Spock was trying, but he couldn’t get in.

“I’m wrong, I’m going to die, I’m going to die-“, Jim sank to his knees, his hands over his ears and his voice too loud in his own head. He could vaguely hear Spock saying something, but he ignored it. He was going to die anyway.

“I should have died,” He sobbed, tears getting into his mouth. He was wasting his breath, he wasn’t going to make it out anyway. Suddenly, Jim felt hands on his back and his forehead and everything went white and calm.

 

_With your face all made up, living on a screen. Low on self-esteem, so you run on gasoline._

When Jim woke up, he was lying in bed. Spock was sitting up next to him, his legs crossed and a hand laying over each knee. As though they were on the same wavelength, Spock’s eyes flew open and he turned to look at Jim.

“You are awake.” He said calmly, but the slight shaking of his hand when he raised two fingers to Jim’s betrayed his demeanor.

“I’m awake, yeah.” Jim repeated. “I don’t know what happened.”

Spock seemed to take in a breath before speaking. “You had a flashback, ashayam.” He replied.

“I did?” Jim bit down on his lip and chewed.

“You did indeed.” Spock uncrossed his legs and stretched them out beside Jim. “It was terrifying, if I may add.” The Vulcan curled his hand around Jim’s ear and began to trace there. Jim leaned against him, sighing with the pleasure. Spock made a slight purring sound in his throat and pressed closer as well.

“You scared me, Jim.” His quiet voice pushed through the domestic haze that Jim felt himself drifting into.

“I’m sorry.”

“It is of no matter.”

Spock wrapped his entire arm around Jim’s body to pull him close, so that Jim was laying with the side of his head on Spock’s chest. He continued speak in a slow voice, which his hands pressed flat against Jim’s back. He began to rub, nearly cautiously, like Jim would squirm away from him.

“I simply wish to take care of you, my th’y’la. Your hurt is also mine.” Spock pressed his lips against Jim’s temple. “I adore you.”

Jim let his eyes close and listened to Spock’s low murmur of a voice, finally allowing himself to drop into a restful sleep.

 

Jim slowly became used to Spock’s presence around his home. Spock slowly filled up every inch of Jim’s space. He left his books on the stairs, his shoes by the door, his slippers on the side of their bed. And yes, Jim now considered it ‘their bed’. Jim would make breakfast for he and Spock, and they would have a light lunch after a walk to the meadow and maybe some paperwork. Spock was always doing research and writing papers for the VSA while Jim often was asked to complete columns and do other things for Starfleet.

In fact, it’s mid-August before they’re both jolted out of the domestic bliss that they’ve become accustomed to.

Spock held the red and gold invitation between two fingers, as though he didn’t want to smudge it before Jim sees.

“It is for us.” He said, and handed it off.

Jim took it from him just as gingerly and opened the envelope slowly, taking care not to rip the paper. “We’ve been invited as guests on a panel for the new student orientation at Starfleet. We’d be honored and stuff, I guess.” Jim blinked up at Spock, who held his gaze for a moment before plucking the letter from Jim’s fingers.

“Would you like to attend?”

“I’m not sure. I don’t know. Do you?”

Spock tapped one long elegant index finger on the back of the hard invite and made a soft ‘hmm’ sound in his throat. “I believe that it would be beneficial for the students.” Jim pressed closer to Spock, causing the taller man to immediately wrap his arm around him and pull Jim to his chest.

“And...?”

He could almost feel Spock’s sigh. “I also believe that you would benefit from leaving Riverside for a short time. It would be nice to go to San Francisco and speak with the incoming students.” His fingers pressed into Jim’s shoulder and upper back, rubbing slowly.

“You do not know the impact of the knowledge which you could impart. Your experiences are inspiring, and they have made you the man that you are today. I wish that you could see the way that I see you, James.” Spock set down the invitation on the table by the door and turned fully to Jim.

“I adore you, Jim. As do many others.” His hand came up to caress Jim’s cheek, and Jim pressed into the touch. “You are a hero, an inspiration. You inspire me every day, and I wish to make you as happy as you make me. Jim, you underestimate the depth of my affection for you.”

Their mouths touched so gently that Jim thought he could feel every millimeter of skin on his lips. Spock leaned back then and quirked a corner of his lips.

“Shall I send them your reservation?”

 

_I think there’s a flaw in my code. And oh oh oh oh, these voices won’t leave me alone…._

The hotel was nice. Spock RSVP’d for the two of them, so Starfleet provided a double room. Each room was furnished with a queen sized bed, bathroom, holovision, sink and kitchenette, and a wardrobe in addition to a coat closet. There was a door between the rooms so that they could come back and forth.

Jim looked over at the adjoining door as he and Spock pulled their suitcases into the room. Well, Jim brought a suitcase. Spock had a duffel bag that surprisingly was able to hold a bulk load of clothes. They’d only be here for 4 days, more like 3 since it was already four o’clock in the afternoon now.

“Did you- I mean do you- do you want to sleep in there? Or want me to sleep in there? I can, if you want but I just wasn’t sure if-“

“I would prefer to room with you, Jim.” Spock cut him off eloquently, holding up a hand to stop his rambling. “However, I can see the logic in one of us staying in the other room. Would you like me to move my belongings over there?” Spock asked, and Jim shook his head fervently.

“Hell no. No. Of course not. I just wasn’t sure.”

“We have been sharing a room for over a month, James.”

Jim scowled. “I know that. I was just asking, sheesh.” He pouted and Spock pressed two fingers to his cheek.

“You are so beautiful, my love.” He said. Jim felt his blush rising up in his cheeks and he reached out with his tongue to lick Spock’s fingertips. Spock’s eyes widened comically and he stumbled backwards.

“Jim,” He said, his voice thin. Jim turned away from him, bending over his suitcase nice and slow so that Spock could see every curve of his pert little ass. He pushed it against the bed and spread his legs apart just slightly.

“Yes?” He asked innocently. He didn’t miss how Spock’s tongue darted out to wet his lips, and the way that his Adam’s Apple bobbed as he conspicuously brushed a hand over the front of his slacks.

“I desire you.” If that didn’t make all of the blood rush to Jim’s crotch, then nothing would. Jim let out a whine as Spock appeared in front of him and suddenly crushed their lips together. He palmed Jim’s hardness through his pants, letting his tongue slip deeper into Jim’s mouth and explore more of that sweet warm cavern. Jim’s legs were shaking. He began to sag against Spock, lost in the pleasure of his fingers teasing him through his pants and that tongue curling in his mouth.

Spock gently laid Jim back onto the bed, the human man’s legs immediately coming up around him to pull their hips together. They ground together for a few minutes, just kissing and touching. Then Spock, on top of Jim, reached down between their bodies and, without breaking liplock, unbuttoned Jim’s pants and undid the fly.

Jim gasped. “Spock,” He breathed, and Spock kissed his cheek.

“Allow me,” He throatily whispered in Jim’s ear, and Jim couldn’t make any noises but an affirmative whimper. Spock kissed him again and shuffled down his body, catlike in his movements. He hovered over Jim’s erection for a moment, his warm breath ghosting over Jim’s underwear.

“Please,” Jim whined, and Spock glanced up at him. He slipped his tongue out, pressing it all the way up the length and dirtying up Jim’s briefs. Jim turned his head away. It was too much, seeing Spock do this. Moving so languidly, doing something so dirty, so un-Vulcan like. Spock reached up and pulled down the briefs with two fingers. He caught eye contact with Jim for a moment before pulling his member free. It bounced and grew harder in the cooler air.

“I adore you, ashayam.” Spock moaned out before taking Jim’s cock into his mouth. Jim howled. Spock began to pump his head up and down immediately, hollowing out his cheeks and sucking with all of his might. Jim’s eyes rolled back right away and had to force himself to stay focused. He couldn’t come right away, like a teenager having his first time. He’d never done this with Spock before, with Spock sucking away at his dick like he was so horny for it, so ready to make Jim come. Jim felt another rush of arousal to his dick. This was bad; he was already close.

Spock didn’t go easy on him. In addition to lavishing his dick with attention, Spock wrapped two fingers around the base of Jim’s cock and pumped there too.

“Oh Spock. Oh my…” Jim thrashed his head to either side, unable to form words anymore. He’d never touched himself with only fingers before, but it was amazing. How did Spock know how to make him feel so good? Spock’s tongue flattened in his mouth and he rubbed the broad side against the underside of Jim’s cock. All of this was done without slowing his movements with his fingers nor with his mouth.

“Oh no, Spock-“ Jim moaned, feeling his balls contracting. “Spock, I’m close. I’m close, I’m close, I’m close.” Instead of pulling off, or slowing down, Spock increased his pressure with his fingers and with his tongue, moving his head faster and rubbing harder onto Jim. “I’m going to come, Spock. Oh my god, I’m going to come. I’m-I’m-“, Jim panted.

He howled. Spock removed his fingers but his mouth stayed as Jim emptied himself inside. His entire body shook with his orgasm, his mouth open and slack-jawed as he came. Over, and over again cum streamed from his abused cock. Jim gasped when he finally finished, falling back on the bed. He didn’t even remember arching up like that.

Spock didn’t say anything. He simply stood, looked at Jim with the most affectionate smile, and swallowed delicately. Jim watched him in awe.

“You… You just swallowed it!” He said. Spock raised an eyebrow.

“I did.” Was all he responded before disappearing into the bathroom. Jim could hear the water running and him spitting, and when Spock returned to the bed, he smelled of mint.

“That was amazing.” Jim mewled, curling into Spock’s side. Spock wrapped an arm around him, pulling his human closer. “I mean, I’ve never felt a blowjob like that. It was like I was flying.” Jim hid his face in Spock’s turtleneck. “I’ve never felt so good.”

When he opened his eyes and looked up at Spock, he found the man’s eyes closed. It was obvious that he wasn’t sleeping, however. Spock’s grip on him was as tight as a vise and his fingers were shaking.

“I will always make you feel as though you are flying Jim.” He said against Jim’s hair. “As long as you will allow me.”

Dinner was takeout from a small family style restaurant down the street. There were other trendier options that Spock suggested, but Jim insisted that the diner-like store was fine.

“So tomorrow morning, we’ve got the briefing for a few hours,” Jim recounted from their schedule in the hotel room. Spock sat at the table beside the holovision, his salad in front of him and his padd open to follow along with Jim. Jim was sitting criss crossed on the bed, with his chicken and hamburger to one side and a paper copy of the schedule in his greasy hand. He’d printed it off at the front desk of the hotel, much to the chagrin of the manager.

“Then a meet and greet with potential students who are still in high school. You know, reaching out early and such. Then…,” Jim lifted his chicken to his lips and took a small bite, chewing carefully. “Then we’re free until the panel the next day. Not a lot to do.” He set down the paper and looked over at Spock, who was silently typing something on his padd and met his gaze.

“So it’s Sunday night, and we’ve got stuff tomorrow and Tuesday. Wednesday is all ours and we’ll leave that night.” Spock nodded and finished typing, then put his padd into his bag.

“Would you like to watch a show or a movie?” He asked, and Jim nodded happily. Spock was so thoughtful; he always knew how to make him happy. Jim patted the seat next to him.

“Come sit? Sit with me?” Spock nodded again and left his container on the desk. He was mostly finished anyway. They leaned back against the pillows and watched an old Terran movie together, with Jim munching on his fries and his burger the whole time, before starting on his chicken again. He suddenly felt self-conscious about all of his food.

“Am I eating too much?”

“Of course not, Jim.” Jim nodded and turned back to the movie. Spock moved two fingers in circles on his upper back, his attention on the film. Jim turned to him again.

“Are you sure? I can stop if you want. Or maybe I shouldn’t eat so much. I don’t know.”

Spock sighed softly and Jim shrank. He could feel Spock’s annoyance with him. Spock was irritated, and it was because of him. All he could do was annoy others.

Spock paused the movie and turned to Jim. “Beautiful,” He cupped Jim’s face. “You do not need to worry about your behavior around me. I have seen you at your worst, and I have seen you at your best. I adore you either way. Please, eat. I enjoy watching you eat and knowing that you have had your full.” With that, Spock resumed the film and drew Jim close again.

Jim blinked rapidly, then leaned against Spock and raised his chicken to his lips.

 

_Well my heart is gold and my hands are cold…._

           

            That night Spock blew him again and Jim swore that his soul left his body. The feeling of Spock’s mouth moving over him, sucking him harder and harder even as he screamed that he was going to come, he was so, so close. Spock showed him no mercy, his mouth moving at a steady pace, jaw flushing and hollowing around Jim’s cock. It was stunning. Jim’s fingers curled into Spock’s shirt and gripped hard. He let out a loud groan of Spock’s name when he came.

            “I can’t go again,” Jim murmured as Spock kissed over his pink flushed body once again that night. It wasn’t late, but Spock had already blown Jim and given him a handjob, with Jim sucking Spock once. Jim was exhausted.

            “We gotta be at that meeting at 10 a.m., babe.” Jim sighed, the fight leaving his voice. Spock’s tongue was so enticing. He wanted to stay like this forever, with Spock kissing him, holding him. He didn’t ever want Spock to go.

            “I understand, ashayam.” Spock whispered against his skin, his breath ghosting over one of Jim’s nipples. He then pulled up to lay beside him, taking Jim into his arms. “Let me help you sleep.”

            It hadn’t sounded like a question, yet Jim knew that he was asking. He nodded, and Spock’s fingers came up to his head to touch him briefly. Jim only heard a soft flutter of words from Spock as he fell into a deep sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for coming by. Leave a comment or a kudos if you liked it, and as always, let me know if I could improve. See you again.


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